Daily Prompt Success

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Today daily prompt is what is a live well lived to you?

Everyone has different values, different expectations and different requirements of what they want, need and expect out of life.  Some of the things I expect are idealistic and part of my dreamer, younger self, who has never let herself give up on reaching for the moon, the stars and beyond.  Part of that comes from the ideals instilled in me as a child, please see my earlier blog on things my mother taught me.  However, one thing I have always stressed and sometimes joked about is die young and leave a beautiful corpse  – not something I truly advocate, but part of staying young, is living life to the full, seizing every moment and not being afraid to live. as a consequence of this, in a recent conversation with a friend I said I want to go sliding into my coffin sideways squealing with joy and going that was fun, when can I do it again.

For me a successful life, is having life experiences, living life, not giving up on your dreams, at half way through my working life, I have only just found what I want to do, and start working on a defined career, however getting here, I have worked abroad, worked within IT, Finance, Sales, Administration.  Yes there have been bumps in the road, and life has not been plain sailing, but it is what you take away from those bumps which determines your character and you can look back and say I have had a good life and it was successful

There are times when I have fumbled and not had a clue what I was doing, but at this present moment in time, I can say I have experienced things that I never thought I would, I am recently married, I am about to embark upon an amazing career, and start for the first time in my life feeling settled and content.  For me this is success, looking and feeling happy with what I have, what I have achieved and where I am.

Fingers crossed when the time comes I can go sliding in screaming woo hoo that was fun when do we do it again?  Although in all honesty not sure if I want to I am feeling pretty exhausted

Daily Prompt: Last Words

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You have the chance to write one last post on your blog before you stop blogging forever. Write it.

Here is what mine will be.  Written in future at an un-prescribed date in 2035

 

Today will be the last time I shall be able to sit at my computer as a free person of this world.  My human body is being taken from me for scientific research.  As you all know over the last 10 years since 2025 a study began to find the new evolved side of our species.  It would appear that I have the gene.  I would like to run, but I see no point, as my husband was taken from me last year as a result of his long battle with diabetes and its after effects, his body gave up the fight.  For which I am relieved as I am fearful of what would happen if he were here.  We both knew we were not truly of this world, and our sensitive natures often led us down dark alleys for which we both were not always sure we would return.

However we remained strong for each other.  I pray that you all continue to have a long and prosperous life and that this research I am about to embark on proves fruitful and will give others a way of life that has been missing for many of us, for many a year.  The impending disaster of the radiation leak has left a world destroyed and lives in misery.  Yet all I can think off, is that I am hoping to make the change that I have craved all my life.

I have felt like I have let many people down, that my strength although helpful in times of crises was not reciprocated in times of joy, when concerns were raised.  My failings are my own and I will take them with you.  I hope that for any where my light has poured positively into your lives that it will continue to glow in times of need and know that you only need to think of me for me to be there.  Providing guidance, support and love at all times.

I can hear footsteps approaching my warren and I feel sick.  I don’t want to go .  My strength has failed me and for the first time ever I am truly afraid.  I want to run.  I must run.  I hear the stories and I can’t go there, as I will not return to this world which I love so much.  There knocking is more insistent now.  The pounding echoes around my tiny room as I search for a way out.  I know to go will surely mean death and I am not ready to go.  I have bigger things to do yet.  My live is not yet through.  The door has been splintered and now it is time to go.

I wish you all well and see you soon.

The wardens arrive at my desk as I lay there slumped over the keyboard, with a pool of blood trailing to the floor.  There is a gun in my left hand.  I hear the wardens say that they are in trouble and that maybe they should take a stranger from another warren I slump to the ground preventing their movement, knowing that they should take me and that is what they do.  They bag me up and throw me over their shoulder  and march out to their van to take me to their lab for dis-section and investigation.

Above their van is a bright globule of light, I smile now.  I know I have had the last laugh and now I can move on.  I am sorry I was scared.  I am sorry I could not save humanity.  I was afraid but I am not any more.
Goodbye

Daily Prompt: Coming To a Bookshelf Near You

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Write a summary of the book you’ve always wanted to write for the back cover of its dust jacket.
For me I sat and thought which do I want to , I have several premises for stories including my most recent NANO addition, I opted to go for last years Nano attempt, which is stuck at a little over 5k, but hoping to pick up again in the next 6 weeks, all being well and that.

A relationship in its early stages?  A desire for survival and ones true love?  Yet somehow your world is turned upside down?

You can see them there, you can hear them there but you can’t touch or interact?

What is happened

The story of true love, devotion, life and death but which will win out and how do we survive after such a traumatic ordeal.  Can any relationship survive the traumas which will befall them or will it quite simple be a death to all.

 

To help give you a fuller flavour of the story, I thought I would insert the first chapter a small sub-section of the story below for you to enjoy

Ghost in the Machine

I lie there on the bed, paralysed, and unable to move.  I want to sit up but I can’t.  I want to turn but I can’t.  I can hear all that is being said but for some reason my mouth wont form the words.  I try blinking my eye lids to get their attention but nothing; it is as if I am not there.  I’m no longer sure if my brain is sending out the message.  I suddenly feel very lost, alone, frustrated, and a burden on all.  I no longer know what to do.  Part of me wants to scream, I open my mouth but nothing comes out.  A silent tear rolls down my cheeks which they don’t seem to notice

My partner has hold of my hand and raises it against his cheek.  His eyes look full of concern, anxiety and stress.  He mouths the words I love you as he kisses my hand and then lays it down by my side.  I go to pull him back but I can’t seem to reach out and pull him back to me.  I want him to stay.  I always feel safer and more at peace when he is nearby, but I can’t bring him back.  All I want is for him to wrap his arms around me and tell me that everything is going to be all right, but something in his demeanour and his eyes tell me that this is not going to be the case.

I feel like such a failure at this moment in time.  This is ridiculous, what does he see in me, when I can’t even manage to do such a simple thing as reach out and touch his hand and tell him I love him too.  Inside my heart is breaking.  But I am determined to find a way to reach out to him, to tell him I love and I am sorry for being a burden and a failure.

The lights are then dimmed and I’m left alone in the darkness.  No one is there.  I am so alone and scared, I feel like a child, and even more humorous Jill Tomlinson’s’ character of a Poppy barn owl, as I recount the tale in my head, and a smile crosses my face at the simplicity and effectiveness of the story.  However behind me and to the right I see a shimmer of light but I can’t see from which room it is coming form; I know they are talking about me, from which ever room they are sat in.  Don’t know they know it’s rude to talk about someone behind their back.  My heart screams out, I am hear you know, I know you are there and talking about me, but something tells me it is useless.

Then as quickly as the light appeared it disappeared and there was complete darkness.

Was I asleep?  Was I dreaming?  Was this some dark dream to foretell of frantic loss?  What was my sub-conscious trying to tell me?  However, no matter what I tried to convince myself was happening, I knew the opposite was true.

I knew I wasn’t sleeping and yet something told me I wasn’t dreaming either.  So why could I not see anything; move any part of my body; reach out to anybody to hold them; speak to them; touch them.  Panic set in.  My short hyper-ventilated breaths bounced back at me, warm onto my face.  I’m trapped.  Oh shit.  My mind raced through endless scenarios, but ultimately I kept coming back to the fact that I was trapped.  But how?  Why? Where? And then there was nothing.  My conscious state blanked out as I faded into a deeper state of unawareness.

The sun is shining outside of the window.  I grab one of my partners T-shirts, slip on a pair of flip-flops and wander out onto the decking, where a waft of fresh ground coffee greets me.  I smile quietly to myself, I can see and smell.  The waves are lapping against the shore line, and I hear the sizzling of bacon coming from the kitchen.  I can hear.  I knew it I think to myself it was only a dream, only a dream – not quite sure why I am trying to convince myself of this.  As I am lost in thought; looking out across the beach and into the horizon; a warm breath of air passes my ear and whispers I love you.  I jump with surprise; as two strong arms wrap themselves around my waist pull me in and around and kiss me.  I kiss him back with an unfulfilled desire that I never knew I felt. “I love you too” I whisper into his ear, as a tear trickles down my face.

“What’s wrong? You’re crying?”

“Nothing.  I’m just happy” I say as I let out a contented sigh, and that was the truth.  I was there, I could hold him, touch him, tell him I loved him and he responded.  He pulls me further into him, our kisses more urgent.  He runs his strong hands under his T-shirt that I’m wearing and I feel him stir with desire; as we fall back into the bedroom to make love

No sooner have we finished and we were snuggling up into each other than the smoke alarm detonates breaking our trance-like reverie.

“Shit, shit shit” we both shout as we jump out of bed; I grab a t-shirt en-route; and run out of the bedroom, down the parquet floor to the open plan kitchen.  “Well I think it is safe to say that bacon is off the menu this morning.” I giggle.  He turns off the griddle pan and gives me a raised eyebrow, followed by a cheeky smile.  I lean across to him and land another kiss on his lips before padding barefooted onto the decking.  “Cold coffee and Toast?” I call back into the kitchen

“Yum” comes back the sarcastic answer as I pour us both a cup of black coffee and place a slice of dry toast in front of each of us.

If life could always be this relaxed and simple, what a pleasure it would be.  But I remember all too well he horrors of my dream; I am fearful for the day ahead and what was now in our immediate future; and if we even had a future now

As we eventually sit down to enjoy our cold breakfast.   I pull my leg up and place the heel of my right foot onto the end of the wooden picnic chair and nuzzled my head into his upper body.  I close my eyes to feel the rays of the sun glistening of my skin and a contented smile crosses my face.

I opened my eyes expecting to see sun, sea and breakfast, but there was nothing.  I was surrounded by blackness again. “No. No. No.” I screamed out.  This can’t be; I try to reason with myself.  Again my body felt frozen and solid.  I listened intently once more to see if I could hear anybody that I might be able to reach out to whom could possibly help me.  I suddenly heard what sounded like the rustle of autumn leaves outside; or maybe it was a breeze rustling through the long grasses.  No it can’t be, I thought to myself, it is, I convinced myself, it’s muffled voices.  I strained harder to listen to what they were saying.

“Get up.  Get up. Get up.  Come on we don’t have all day”

“Are you talking to me?”

“Well who else would we be talking to?  I don’t see anyone else round here?”

“You can hear me?”

“Why wouldn’t we?” the voice questioned “So come on get up!” The voice now sounded irritated at having to repeat the basic statement so many times in short concession.  I got the impression that it was not used to being questioned or disobeyed for a want of a better term.

“I can’t” I said, sounding exhausted. “I have tried”.

“Yes you can, you just have to try harder”

“Where are you?  I can’t see you?”

“We are here besides you”

“But I can’t see you” I said sounding startle;  thinking who else is in this torment with me, teasing me, making fun of me.  “I just want to die” I sniffled pathetically. “I’m useless. I’m a burden and a failure.  And I have let everyone down”

“No you’ve not”  Came the response.  “And besides we are here.  You…. Owwww”

“What was that for?”

“You Know”

“I just wanted”

“I know what you just wanted and you know”

And then silence followed

“Hello?  Are you still there?” I asked.  But nothing followed, only silence.  Great I am going crazy now I think to myself.

“We can’t until you have got up” and then nothing

I am sure somewhere I hear the words “grounded still and not ready and there are no mistakes”, and then all was still, quiet and dark again.

“Hey, Earth calling; Earth Calling” I shudder as tears roll down my face uncontrollably.  I can’t explain it, something is not right as I pull myself deeper into my partners upper body and his arms wrap around me protecting and comforting me, like they have done so many times before.  This feels nice I think to myself.  “What’s wrong?” He asks

“Nothing” I lie.  I lie as I don’t know what to tell him.  I’d sound crazy if I tried the truth, that I am feeling all at sorts because of what I think is a dream.  For God’s sake I think I am going crazy with this thing. ”Nothing, nothing at all “I re-iterate.  Not quite sure whom I am trying to convince, I am just happy I say as I pull away and smile and look up into his eyes with all the love, lust and desire I can muster and show; in what must have been the most weak and unconvincing smile of assuredness ever.

 

Once more I closed my eyes, but this time it was more an attempt to block out the world and the continuing feelings, of something not being right and of feeling displaced within this moment of time.  And somewhere deep inside I knew when I opened my eyes, I would no longer be within my partners’ arms.  I wondered if all this surrealism would ever stop, and could we ever truly be together again; as I seemed to drift away into another sleep once again.

Something told me I didn’t need to open my eyes to know where I was.  Maybe it was the warm fresh wet breath reflected back onto my face; or maybe the sensation of being locked into something and closed away from the world.  Perhaps it was the hearing and feeling of my blood coursing through my body; or was it that clammy sensation that I was feeling on the inside of my palms?  The whole feeling of being entombed and imprisoned was so strong and overpowering here, it was both overwhelming and terrifying.  Yet somewhere deep inside of me, something had changed.  The fear was no longer of this encasement.   It was as if, if I were to break free from not just this nightmare I currently found myself in, it would also mean the end of the life that I had once known.  This though paralysed more than the other, for the sadness that I felt that I may never say my future husband again terrified me.  Right now, it was this thought and this thought alone which kept me paralysed in thought and motion.  However all the time I was lying there, all I could hear was: ‘you can move if you want to.  You just have to’, as a slow silent tear rolled down my cheek.

Before I could act on anything though I needed to focus and control my breathing.  Deep slow long breaths, in and out, in and out I commented to myself.  If my breathing was steady then and only then could I focus on the task in hand.  It would also help me to control the nerves as I was extremely unsure as to what I would find.

 

I slowly moved my hands out to the side to assess where I was, to see if I could feel where I was.  The surface to both sides of me felt solid and smooth with what could only be described as a grainy texture to the touch. ‘You can move if you want to’ I mimicked to myself. ‘How the hell is that possible.  I seem to be trapped inside some wooden box’.  I giggled maniacally to myself.  Then outside I heard the muffles of voices again whispering “You can do it.  You can.”  I was losing focus and concentration.  So I slowly brought my hands up onto my chest; to help and monitor the breathing.  ‘Deep Breaths’ I said to myself.  ‘In and out.  In and Out.  That’s right’ I told myself as I brought my breathing back under control. ‘Well it looks like I have finally flipped’ I thought to myself. Still the nerves rattled through me, as my breathing maintained a shallow edge.  Concentrate, I thought to myself; just concentrate and focus.

Time to find out what is in front of me I think.  I slowly raised my hands in front of me, with my palms faced upwards; and slowly extended them away from my body.  What I was expecting to feel was the same smooth grainy texture, I had encountered when I had placed my hands out to my sides.  The reality however was very different.

My arms climbed upwards from my body as my breathing remained a very deep and controlled breathing.  My arms continued to reach out in front of me slowly and controlled echoing the movement of my breathing.  It was only as my arms reached a three-quarter length extension that I realised that I had not come into contact with anything solid.  My movement upwards was un hindered or so it appeared to be.  Something was not right; it just did not feel normal.

Normal – what a word, I thought, what the hell was normal, especially what I was going through lately.  I felt around to see if I could feel anything solid, but the only sensation was not that of air as I had expected but a mushy grainy sensation.  I started to panic again.  Cool beads of sweat formed on my brow.  My hands were covered in a film of sweat and clamminess.  My breathing was erratic and restless and short and full of hyperventilated breaths.  I quickly withdrew my hands and laid them shakily by my side.  I closed my eyes as uncontrolled tears once more rolled down my cheeks and I emitted noiseless sobs from my mouth.  I was panicked and freaked and no longer understood what was happening to me.  The inability to talk, to reach out to my partner and then the ability to do so and now this, I just wanted to understand what was going on.

“Please God.  Help me” I cried out between the sobs

“Please” I begged trying to leave pleading out of my voice, but failing miserably.

“I’m scared and frightened.  I don’t know what to do or where to turn.  Please just make this STOP” I cried out in anguish.

“Get up” said the muffled voices again.  It was the same ones that I had previously heard.

“We can only help if you get up. “

“You were nearly there.” Said the voice or voices.  I was no longer sure if there were multiple voices or just one as the tone seemed to alter with every speech the voice made.

“But I’m scared”

“I know.  Everyone is.  But it is the only way” the voice said soothingly.  It was the softest I had ever heard it respond to me.  Usually it was reproachful, or as if telling of some insolent child who would not listen or behave.

“What do you mean everyone is?”

“That does not matter” the tone sounded sharper now and angry again.  I was not sure if it was angry with me or itself for giving more information away than it had intended to

“It will all become clear.  Once you get up“

I had failed to realise that whilst this conversation was going on, my sobbing had eased and an immense sensation and feeling of calm had over taken me.  I suddenly felt very much at peace with myself and everything around me; this was something that I had not felt for some time.  Somewhere deep inside I knew this was only the beginning if I could just get up.

“Concentrate” I said to myself “Just concentrate”. I thought to myself as I formed long deep drawn out breaths.

Once more I reached out in front of me.  My fingers started to brush and get swallowed up against something smooth, silky and rippling.  It was the very same sensation that one gets when being wrapped in warm rippling water, lapping gently against the skin.  My fingers continued to pass through this sensation into something that then became much coarser, with a much more defined grainier texture – as if they had plunged into deep wet sand or a bag full of sawdust, or some very strange concoction of the two.

As I stretched my arms put further and straightened them, I could feel the woody sandy grainy texture against my skin.  It irritated me like a ton of little splinters digging in for a bite.  My hands however were now emerging into a gloopy, sticky, claggy mixture of wet mud ‘ Urrrghhh ‘ I said to myself and out loud, wanting to wipe the dirt off.  Then I remembered I had nothing to wipe it on, or against as far as I was aware.  So I kept pushing forwards.

Suddenly, and without warning, a cold chill ran across my hands and I knew then they were free.  I placed them either side of where my body would technically be, if it were in the same position as my hands were now.  My fingers felt moisture between them and the softness of dew on morning grass.  I tried to push down to help raise myself up, but I could not.  I felt my hands sinking back downwards into the mud. ‘AAARRRGGHHH!’ I screamed in frustration.

‘This is both useless and ridiculous’ I said out loud to myself

‘Focus, you are nearly there.’ Said one of the muffled voices but clearer this time, clearer than all the other times I have heard them- this time it was as if they were sat right next to me

And I know deep inside of me they are right.  But I am so tired, drained and exhausted; all I want to do is sink; sink back down into where I currently am.

My breathing was now heavy and laboured due to the exertions of pushing through these unknown layers.  But I knew I couldn’t  give in and sink back down like I wanted to.  I knew I must continue.  I knew that once I managed to break through that everything would be okay.  However I also knew that everything would be different too; and this I did not want to acknowledge – not even to myself.

Once more I raise my hands above the mud and place them softly onto what I can only describe as grass next to me and then pushed softly but gently against it to raise myself up.

There was something wrong.  Something was very wrong indeed.  As I pushed myself upwards, my head felt connected my ankle;  my legs were wrapped around my neck;  and my torso – well I could not even seem to find where that was at the moment.  My nose then started to twitch as if I had dust in it “ Ai.  Ai.  Aitchoo” I sneezed throwing  my head back and then forwards with the force of the mini-explosion.  “Well – at least that is something” I thought to myself; “I have now found out where my torso is; it seems to be at the bottom of my feet .“ “Excellent – not.  What the hell is it doing there”.  Then I smiled and giggled to myself; and thought when I got out of here I was going to look a right mess.  I mean even more than normal and that was quite impressive even for me.  My arms – I had no idea now what they were connected to, as it definitely was not my torso.  My head was somehow connected to my ankle.  My legs were around my neck, which reminded me of the time when,  as a child, I was trying to show my parents how flexible I had become since going to gymnastics.  What had happened was, I had managed to get my legs around my neck easily enough, but getting them back out from around there proved to be a different matter entirely.  And now to finalise this, this new fancy body of mine, meant I was somehow supposed to use my torso has some sort of a board to get about on.  The image had me letting out a loud laugh; which was then followed by a major coughing fit, as a result of the inhalation of dust from the laughter.  I’d hardly noticed all the dust before, until my nose had started twitching and wanted to sneeze.

Nevertheless I had to get out of here.  So I continued to push gently down on what felt like grass; trying to continue to elevate myself from whatever and wherever I was.

After what felt like forever, a sudden cold rush of air flew across my face – as if someone had thrown a bucket of cold iced water in to it.  I struggled to catch air into my lungs. It was almost as if I had forgotten the most basic of things; like breathing, which I had taken for granted for so many years – well as far as an asthmatic can take these things for granted.  I grabbed at the air around me and pulled it into my lungs heavily and rapidly, fighting to regain control of this most basic of functions.  As my breathing settled, I continued to push myself up and out of where I was and into that cold splash of air which was around me.  I was surprised to find that,  as I did so,  I unfolded with my head connected to my neck;  and all body parts unfolding into their correct positions; despite the sensations of disjointedness from earlier on.  Although this was very much a relief,  it was also strangely disappointing as I had, in my own head, constructed an image of me looking like some dysfunctional crab.  I pushed myself completely out of where I was and stood, albeit feeling wobbly at the side of the hole.  I felt like what could only be described as a newborn foal, trying to find its legs, for the first time.  This was feeling more and more like I had forgotten the basic functions, of how to breathe, see and walk. This idea and sensation was silly.  I thought I had gone blind, and I realised seeing had to be included in this list, has everything around me was pitch black I could not see a thing.  I was no longer sure, given how I was currently feeling, whether this was because it was black, or I had also lost the ability to see.

“I’m free.” I said

“See, Told you, you could do it” Said the voice somewhat smugly.

“Come with me”

“How can I?” I asked

“I can’t see you.”

“Open your eyes” a voice said

“What?”

“Open your eyes”

“They are open, and I can’t see a thing, apart from what looks like some twinkles”.  These twinkles looked more like the flashing, chasing light ropes that people put around their windows at Christmas.

“Just follow the light then.” said the voice

“Of course” I muttered sarcastically.

“Just follow the lights.” I suddenly felt like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz, but instead of the yellow brick road it was rope lights. Real exotic, I thought to myself.  Nonetheless I followed the lights obediently.  As I chased the lights, there appeared to be a tear in the fabric of the darkness as a glow appeared, growing in size and brightness the further into the darkness I went.

The light emanating from this brightness reminded me of that sensation you get after being sat in a cinema for 2 hours before walking out into bright sun shine.  It was blinding; dazzling and momentarily disorientating.

As I approach what appears to be the dividing line between the two opposites. I asked out loud if I should continue.

It was like one those moments you get in cheap car crash movies , where it looks like a dividing line down the middle of the screen; one side is all black and the other is all white – and one will be consumed by the other depending on which side you choose to stand on.  “Yes keep going” said the voice, with only the smallest hint of excitement , and so I continued on blindly; not questioning, but having faith in what they said to me.

Crossing over from the darkness into the light was an odd feeling.  My body had the sensation of pure weightlessness.   I felt as light as a feather and I no longer felt weighted down with unknown pressures of stress and or anxiety.  I felt limp and relaxed  as if nothing mattered anymore,  but this was enforced with a strength and clarity of thought that had never been present before either.

I blinked my eyes several more times to adjust to the light and the brightness that was around me but it still took what felt like another few minutes before things really started to come into focus so that I could see where I was, and what was about me.

The grass under foot was lush and green; a real luminous green of freshness and colour.  Just to the right of me and out of my line of vision was a tree, with its’ bark so wooden and thick and tall and strong-looking.  Around the tree was a wooden bench for sitting and getting shade from its leaves. Around the edges of the garden, were a variety of willows and elms.

This was a place of reflection and quiet contemplation.  Not a sound could be heard; no birds singing; no rustle of the wind through the trees; no sense of any intruding noise; despite the fact that people busied about in the garden and birds flew about quite happily flitting from tree to tree.  Despite this three was a true calmness to the air that I had never experienced before, not even in a graveyard, where the quietness and serenity was unnerving; it was one which you could not quite relax into for fear of making some noise.  Here it was different- it could be said – it was, quite literally, just something in the air.  It was serene and tranquil; almost like a hidden retreat which you would find in the mountains of Switzerland or the Italian lakes.  I let out a deep sigh of exhaled air and smiled.

“I can see why he loved you” The voice said.

“What?” I said as I shivered and shuddered at being awoken from my reverie that this place had invoked within me. “I just said that when you smiled, just then, I could see why your partner fell in love with you”.

“Oh, all right” I spoke almost dismissively, and sharply, although this was not the intention.  It was just this place; it just had a distancing affect on you.  My mind drifted to him, my love, my partner, my future husband and a tear rolled down my face.

 

Fire and Light

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Resonates an innocence and beauty that is at its very heart true in all its forms

Fire and Light.

Nano update

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Well since my post this morning, and my three hours of writing, it has then taken me another 3.5 hours to type up the additional 3500 words I managed to put to paper.  Well what does this mean, it means my projected finish date for 50000 words will now be early January as opposed to Mid April, as it was earlier on in the day.  I have doubled last years total and my new personal target goes as

Next milestone

15k words to target 4.5k

Middle milestone

20k words to target 9.5k

be on target

31666 words to target 20.5k

I am hoping tomorrow to be able to meet the next milestone and be half way or nearly at the middle target.  Writing 9.5k in one day is going to be tough but I managed nearly 4k in one sitting today.  So doing double that should not be too strenuous although the hand and fingers may disagree by the end of it.  I know by the end of todays writing my hand was going what’s this another three exam you have decided to put me through but it was worth it to see my word count jump up so much in one sitting.  Always a nice feeling.

Anyway it is rather chilly here and hubby has just arrived home so I am going to spend some time with my man and probably blow up aliens or some such thing

Have a good evening

Weekly Photo Challenge: Green

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To save you from lots of words today, and besides I don’t think I can write much more yet, as I am currently in the process fo typing up the 14 pages of notes I wrote this morning from NANO and my brain is still buzzing with the next section.  So I am hoping to make this short and sweet
So here is my brief collection into the photo challenge of Green

Notting Hill 2007

Green

 

Weekly Photo Challenge Green

Weekly Photo Challenge Green

 

Weekly Photo Challenge Green

Weekly Photo Challenge Green

 

Fribourg Walkabout

Weekly Photo Challenge Green

 

Weekly Photo Challenge Green

Weekly Photo Challenge Green

 

Weekly Photo Challenge Green

Weekly Photo Challenge Green

 

Weekly Photo Challenge Green

Weekly Photo Challenge Green

 

Weekly Photo Challenge Green

Weekly Photo Challenge Green

 

Weekly Photo Challenge Green

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Things my mother taught me

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This seems like a nondescript thing to write about. However, next Thursday will be 4 years to the day that I lost my mum.  The thought of it even a mere few weeks ago would have sent me spiralling and into floods of tears, however as per my blog of a mere 7-10 days previous I no longer have the urge to cry, but to think and focus on the teachings of what my mum, brought to me as an individual.

This article was triggered by the reading of an article by the Mustard Seed entitled on the Hardest thing. The writings are true but it is more than that and it got me thinking about what my mum had said to me and tried to install in me to allow me to succeed and be the person I am and am still becoming today.   My mum was a strong and passionate person, but could also be hard and at time spiteful and vengeful.  This may not seem like a pleasant thing to say about someone now deceased, but I have prided myself on being brutal honest about all things at all times.  People saw many different facets to my mum, I saw the empowered woman forced to survive and struggle with a situation she never wanted and never truly accepted for herself and her own life.  She fought against it ever day, and her reliance on others crushed her.  In case you are not aware my mum was placed into a wheel chair when I was only 18 months old.  For me there is a huge disconnect between seeing images of my mum pregnant with me walking about and with the reality of what I remember.  For my sister there is only the notion of mum being in a wheelchair. Yes I have a sister, are we as thick of thieves, of 32 years of growing up together we are starting to get there.  It has been a long hard battle but that is a story for another time.

As a result of mum being such a strong woman, this was something I have personally always aspired to.  It is obvious how much mum prided intelligence, study and independence.  She always encouraged us to read, go out and learn for ourselves.  Understand the world, to go make our mark upon it before our lives changed forever.  Looking back I can see where she is coming from and how she has felt strangled and had her ambitions and needs cut short by circumstances.  I am not saying she then did not go out and achieve, this is a woman who taught infant school children to bake, taught my sister and I to ride our bikes, how to Double Dutch skip, taught our friends to skip, went to computer classes, ran a local brownies and guides club, and won mum of the year on Going Live in 1990.

More than that though, she taught us passion, independence, strength and survival.  She taught us to look at our actions and make informed decisions.  There are three things that mum said to me that have almost become my personal mottoes for the way I live my life.

1. Never be beholden to a man – today this could be another person

(Please note I will use the term man here but purely as a generic form for person or people rather than any reliance on any given sex)

This can almost sound very deprecating and disrespectful, but it was more about having our own independence, not needing to have a man to supply for us or be there.  That we can live of our own means and survive with or without a man.  A man should  not be so encompassing in your life that you cannot life without one there for moral support.  For me this is as much about independence, being able to support yourself and your dreams and ambitions without needing sources from elsewhere.  The alternative tangent of this is also about being comfortable in your own skin, accepting of who you are as a person and being comfortable in your own skin.  Accepting you are, making decisions and living by the consequences and most importantly of all, taking ownership.

2. What if

This beyond all other things have helped guide my choices and the decisions that I make in my every day life, from the very mundane to the big important gambles.  Mum said the two worst words to wake up with in a morning was what if?  i.e. playing the if game.  Not always a sensible decision to play but an interesting one to do so when having to make a decision.  I sit and think about what is being proposed and ask myself if I make this decision am I happy and could I live with it long-term or this one.  Based on the outcomes of this I usually make  my decisions two examples of this are as follows.

Choosing to leave my post-graduate studies half way through the second year for mental health problems.  What is the outcome if I stay – I fail the course – Can I afford to re-take the year – How do I feel – This conflicts with my third rule – will I have regrets leaving the course – is it the right decision for me.  Following this process and putting myself in an imagined fantasy of my own making I chose to leave the course.  Now some 12 years on from making this decision, do I have what if moments about this choice?  No, do I regret the decision not really.  Why because it was the right decision for me at the time.  Staying on the course would have been more damaging to me and my mental stability than leaving.  The reasons for leaving and quitting were valid and helped me to maintain rule 1.  Which for me is the over-riding rule of my life.

The second scenario happened 4 years ago when I had the chance to up and move to Switzerland and again I used the same reasoning and argument as above.  In this instance I knew that if I did not take the chance now the chances are it will never come again and this would be something I would regret for the rest of my life.  A decision based on playing what if in the here and now.  A bi-product of this is if it does properly and effectively then like Edit Piaf you should have no regrets.

 

That is one thing I can honestly say, as a result of living my life, honest and true to me, the only regret I have is a hateful thing I once said in an argument to my mum. Personally I think getting to the age of 37 and having purely only one regret is pretty remarkable.  Are there things I may have changed in my life, maybe, do I regret the decisions I have made – hell no – all courtesy of two little words What if

3. A winner never quits and a quitter never wins

This is the third most practical bit of advice I have carried with me that my mum taught me and has often been a source of conflict with rule or motto 2 above, as noted by my example.  However by being true to you and what you need you should never feel like a quitter if the decision was the right decision at the time regardless of the consequences.  For me it built into me tenacity, resilience and willingness to follow my dreams and ambitions, and a willingness to want to be the best and rise to the top.  To show the doubters that it can be done and I will to coin a phrase survive and be the best I can be.

 

 

This stubbornness can often lead to a blanketed approach and the determination of an immovable object.  It can lead to me being so focussed on the task in-hand that all other tasks can be ignored.  However, it has given me passion, energy and a thirst for life that leads others exhausted and very often a trail of destruction in my wake.  I am lucky enough though to have a strong partner by my side who can say stop, breathe and carry on.  However as a result of this I have achieved things never though possible.  I have acquired the nick-name no fear as a result of my ability and willingness to tackle things head on and to keep going some more.

As a result of living by the above rules, which are listed in order of importance for me anyway, I have achieved the following:

  • Lived and survived living in another country
  • Learnt to Scuba Dive
  • Passed my A-Levels when others did not have faith
  • Got a Law Degree when others believed it out of my reach
  • Travelled and gone on holiday on my own
  • faced my worst fear of spinal surgery and come out the other side
  • Got married – eventually
  • Be comfortable in my own skin and who I am
  • Be proud to stand up and be counted
  • Not being afraid to stand up for my beliefs
  • Defend my friends to the death
  • Be not afraid to cut the ties, and then walk away regardless of how painful
  • Take ownership of my mistakes, own them and learn from them
  • Be Brutally honest regardless of how hard it is – applying tact when needed
  • Being me

So Mum thank you for being you.  Thank you for giving me the skills to survive in todays tough world but most importantly, THANK YOU FOR MAKING ME .

MY mum, me and Ella

The most precious thing I’ve Lost

 

Most Precious thing I lost

My mum

 

I love you and always will;  miss you and hope you are proud of who I am, what I have become and what if anything I have achieved.

RIP Barbara Josephine Potts nee Seal 22/11/2008

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