What can I say about this week. It has been emotional, tiring, draining and at times uncompromising. At times I have been a total bitch to people who don’t deserve it. Yet they have stood there, held me close and still told me they love me. What I have done to deserve such unwavering faith and love. I do not know. I am sure I do not deserve such loyalty and love and friendship in my life. Yet when things get tough, like I have commented on Bi-polar blogging it is with these friendships that I can pull myself through and survive even the toughest days. There have been many blogs I have read in the last 24 hours that have made me cry, be proud that I can be a remote part of someone’s thoughts and feelings and others that have made me down right angry and it is these three areas I want to cover in my blog today.
Let me start with the one that made me cry. This blog was posted by Terry 1954. This guy has my ultimate respect, he has taken on a thankless task. A career. He looks after his brother who has Parkinsons’ along with other problems. He will often talk about his frustrations but more than anything as a fellow reader you can feel the love he has for his brother and the joy he gets from when the little things that happen over time – see blog two more names to add to the thank you list. However today he produced a blog which was beautiful, moving and extremely touching. I don’t often have tears rolling down my face when reading my blogs, but in the quiet of the moment, they came freely. Why? Apart from the fact it is beautifully written, I felt humbled by the emotion. To compound with that the ideas that were behind it, death, departure, letting go, loss all hit home for me this time of year. As many of you will know who have read my blog over the last month. November is a tough time for me personally. Two weeks on Thursday will be 4 years to the day that I lost my mum. A pain that has never really eased in my heart, but I have found a way to function in the day-to-day without it holding too much of a grip in the reality. However the beauty of the pain, brought all the reality of that grief back to the surface, the pain the hurt, the anguish. However despite the pain of it all, it felt good to cry, to let the emotions out and flow. To be fair for the first time in four years I feel almost human again, like I can breathe, like I have grieved. As if something has passed on, or as if I have moved on. Maybe that is the case, that I have final moved or am moving onto acceptance. I am not saying that it will ever be great not having mum around, but maybe thanks to Terry 1954 I will no longer fear November like I have for the last four years and for that I must say “THANK YOU”, with a full heart a warm and tender smile and tear rolling out of my left eye, with no more emotion than simple gratitude. This goes to a man who deserves all our support.
A blog to be proud of is the BI-Polar Blogging. For any who read this guys blogs, or who picked up on his blog from daily pressed will know who hard he has fought over the past few weeks with his condition. As a fellow sufferer, I can share his plight and his struggles but can also offer support and confirm that there is light at the end of the tunnel and that with time if he keeps fighting things do get better. Only a few weeks ago, this blogger was fighting for his life. Not through life support, nor through terminal illness. but as a result of something for worse. Mental illness. This condition is an unhappy one at times and can make the brightest days seem bleak and dark but even tougher are for those who don’t understand, when all they can say is really, all you need to do is pull yourself together things are not that bad. A sentiment when I hear it makes me want to scream and slap the person who has said it. It is even made worse when the doctors don’t understand the condition either. Bi-polar is a condition that has gone through many guises. One I was diagnosed it was referred to as Manic depression. The worst part of the condition as Bi-Polar will confirm is the pendulum swings, from the manic highs to the epic lows. The trick with this condition is understanding its effect upon your own psychology, recognizing the symptoms, and the triggers and putting in blocks to help keep things stable. Me I have done things the hard way. I have been on medication and it has been a great help in acting as a stabilizer. For me I need intensive therapy but cannot afford it so I have done self-analysis worked out my triggers and looked at how I can prevent them from being a problem. BI-Polar this week is seeing the benefits of good health care, well prescribed medication and what sounds like an excellent therapist in his blog moving forwards. I am proud to have been a part of Bi-Polars’ progress and hope that myself and others who follow him can continue to be source of encouragement and support for him in all the challenges that are to come his way. Yet from reading his journey, I know he will make it. He will come through the other side and maybe one day decided that now is the time to throw away the medication and start to live and trust his building blocks that he has put in place. I am looking forward to that day along with all the others along the way.
And now for the one that made angry. It had nothing to do with the person’s opinion, but other people’s actions to his responses to questions asked. The recovering Legalist is a blogger who I enjoy for his little anecdotes, his dry wit and sarcastic sense of humour. His blog today was dealing with the recent elections in the US. His blog of reverse racism, reminded me of an incident when I was back at University/College (Pending on which side of the pond you are reading this on), when I had the colour of my skin thrown in my face because of an innocent action. I can already hear many saying you must have done something, yes I had. I sat in an empty chair. Apparently though this chair was being used by Mr invisible – excuse the sarcasm or not as you prefer and so I sat in it. When at some time later, the apparent rightful owner returned and accused me of taking his chair and thinking I had the automatic right to do so because I was white. That was it. Up to that point I was prepared to apologise and hand it back but not any more. My response resulted in an excuse me in a high-pitched squeaky voice that I get when I am angry and upset. My husband says it’s hard to stay mad when the voice comes out ‘ because it’s funny and cute. I think it’s just because he loves me. But I digress from the issue at hand. His response was I took the chair because I know it was being used by a black person and I though being white I could lord my power over him. I went again excuse me. You are accusing me of taking your chair because of the colour of our skins? Yes came his response. I am sorry I said, but there was no name on the chair, no coat on the chair, no bag nearby and the machine was not switched on. There was nothing to suggest that the chair was in use. Based on that how could I know anything about you. How dare you excuse me of taking something based on someone else’s race. Then he said I was being racist. I am sorry. I am sorry, I am being racist. Hold on just there I did not bring race or creed into this you did. You are the racist not me. At which point I turned to my friend – who I must point out is mixed race – apologised and said I would meet him outside. I then picked up my coat and left. Shoving rather aggressively – I have to admit the chair to person who had wanted it so badly. Some time later a security guard came out to see me to apologise. I asked what for and was told that the guy who had accused me of being racist had filed a complaint against me and asked for me not to be let back into the school. The guard had the good sense to speak to my friend who had told them what had happened. The person who had filed the complaint had been given a dressing down according to my friend and the school apologised. Although the apology was appreciated I felt that it should have come from the offender and not the school.
It was also at that time when I realised how hate can develop and racism grows along with other prejudices. I however have always prided myself on treating people on how they treat me. I have never and will never judge people on how they look, how they behave to others, it is only in their treatment of me on how I make a decision about a person. The only time I probably make an exception to this is when I thing a friend is being wronged. In fact I have often been told by friends when meeting certain people, please do not say anything. I have tact and will only raise the issues if they raise it first. At the end of the day I protect and fight for my friends as hard as I fight for my own. This makes me feisty, head strong and determined in whatever I do. This also gives me a tenacity and a resilience which is needed to survive in today’s climate.
However, it is now time for me to draw my blog to a close. But first I need to thank the above bloggers for their blogs and say I hope they don’t mind me using them in my blog today. I would also like to pass my strength and courage to Terry, my support to Bi-polar and my patience and understanding to the recovering Legalist. To everyone else, enjoy the read. and have a great weekend and remember everyone. Keep breathing and take each day as it comes x