The Girl

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‘Fetch me the girl! ‘ The voice boomed across the apparently empty hall.

A few seconds later the lights faded leaving the hall in complete darkness.

A mere two minutes later a single spotlight emerged in what inequality had to suppose was the middle of the hall,  with a girl standing there bound and blindfolded in an otherwise empty hall .

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Resolutions, Solutions bleh

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It is that time of year now when people starting talking about resolutions and what they want to do next year. Very simply put it is something they are going to be resolute about not falter or fail nor deviate from.  This is what their greatest achievement will be for the year ahead.  The problem with this is that you are setting yourself up to fail.  Some of the things that have inspired me over the last 12 months are other people’s resolutions and how they have been termed.  My favourite has to be the bucket list always fun and lively and about following ideals and having new experiences.

For me this time of year between Christmas and New year ,like many is for reflection on what has passed, have I grown and changed are there things I no longer like about me and want to change if so what is it?  and how?

Do I set up myself up to fail I used to, then I changed my perspective on things and created my yearly wish list.  Why do I say wish list as opposed to resolution, it is because these are the things I wish for myself next year and would like to try to make it  happen.  They are not a  given but there are is also no self recriminations towards myself if I should happen to fail or not achieve my desire or my goal.  It gives me the chance to look at what went wrong and try something new next year in achieving the goal.

Last years wish list was not so grand as in previous years and consisted of two main requests

  1. Get married and make it a day to remember
  2. Find a permanent job

Okay so the first was a given, the date was booked, the venue nearly paid for and this time last year my partner and I were in the final throes of wedding panic as the day drew closer.  For me though I was not sure if my father was going to be there, I was dis-heartened as most of my family had decided I was not worth the effort.  On my wedding day my family attendance consisted of my father and sister.  My aunt and her husband along with her daughter’s family which was her husband and daughter too.  Leading up to the day I was feeling dejected as a result of this and had people dropping out the day before and two no shows on the day which hurt and just told me how rude people are.  Since then I have had people who have cut me out of their life and it has been the wedding which has shown me who my friends are and who are not my friends.  Some I have been sad to lose others I have been so long char-chi have a nice life.  Nonetheless it is always hard to say goodbye to friends even if the latter applies.

Nonetheless, I have had a growing feeling over the last year that my friends are growing more and more transient in nature and that as a friend I am there to heal people and make them feel better and lead them to a better way.  Once this way has been done and they have transgressed forwards and moved forwards it is time to leave me behind for pastures new.  A realisation or a deluded self belief in relation to this has led me to change the way I interact with people, as I can no longer bare the pain of being ‘used’ for want of a better word and then being discarded like an old rag.  I broke the chains with family and ex-partners as a result of this it has taken me a longer lesson to learn with the friends but I am learning.

Don’t get me wrong I wont ever turn my back on a friend but I am not going to consume myself with them and their lives I am going to live and live my life my way and if people want to come along great if not then that is their decision not mine.

The second was far more challenging.  Going into this year I was in a maternity cover role which was due to expire at the end of March, it then got extended until end of May and then until July.  I was hoping this meant that I was going to get a permanent position but no.  This frustrated me, but I had been working on the role not being made permanent, so had already made lots of contacts and had job interviews already lined up, prior to the contract eventually coming to an end.   Unfortunately it then took me another 14 weeks before I was able to find secure work.  However the hard work and the effort applied to the job hunting was worth it – see my blogs in relation to this – there are too numerous to list here.  I now work for an amazing company one that I have wanted to work for since I was at University, doing a job I want to do on a salary that can support both my husband and I comfortably, giving him the time to focus on his writing and doing what he loves without him feeling any pressure that he needs to support and provide in a financial sense.  Nonetheless he is to continue with his part-time work which more than anything as he says keeps him sane in times of madness.

This year I suspect the list may be somewhat longer and more demanding and will include things like

  1. Clear my credit card and keep it clear – always a challenge – usually manage 2 months and then pull it out for big expenses
  2. Go on honeymoon – problem is we don’t know where to go although we have got it down to four locations:  1)Maldives, which was our first choice from day one, 2) Bora Bora,  3)Cancun secondary back up choice based on costs and 4) Cuba
  3. Buy me a new laptop
  4. Buy me a SLR camera
  5. Get fit – a bi-product is losing weight which is the real goal but when I say lose weight I get frustrated lose focus so for me to say get fit it is actually more beneficial in that it gets me active again and I have missed being active ever since prolapsing my discs and not being able to do the things I used to love doing.
  6. Get my husband to finish his book and send to publishers
  7. Be happy and enjoy life
  8. Take my step daughter on holiday somewhere she can get a stamp in her passport
  9. Celebrate our first year wedding anniversary in style
  10. Save for our own place
  11. Pass probation at work – which has curiosity would have it falls on our wedding anniversary weekend woo hoo and celebrate in style
  12. Spend time with friends and family
  13. Get back to my diving
  14. Start dancing again – Ballroom and Latin

Not a lot really and some of it is really materialistic but I think this comes from not being able to have been able to buy anything really for a long time.  This urge will quickly diminish and I will go back to thrifty me. thus enabling some of the other events to happen also like the holidays and house saving etc…

I already feel full of hope and promise moving forwards into the new year and I am excited to face it head on and be ready for whatever comes my way.

So to end this may I wish you all a good, fruitful and productive New Year with lots of joy, happiness and enjoyment with few tears along the way

Happy new year everyone

 

 

A busy time

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December is usually a busy time for everyone, however since the end of November my life has been a blur.

On Monday 26th of November I started a new permanent full-time job.  The first permanent job I have had in nearly 5 years.  Scary or what.  Then the fear is intensified as it has been for a company I have wanted to work for since I was 18 years of age and the fact that I am now makes me ecstatic and scared and OMG OMG OMG hyper at the same time.  I am working for Thomson Reuters.

For me this is a dream come true I can hardly believe it.  I have lost a whole month, or at least that is what it feels like, with early mornings back upon me, and late home arrivals I spend 12 hours of my day away from the home, either travelling or work or a combination of the two. So now spending time with family is even more important to me.  However, this new-found freedom has given me, us, an energy a realism of ease and confidence that we have not had in a very long time.  The arrival of the first pay cheque caused panic, as I thought I had been over paid but then I realised I had not and suddenly our lives become much easier.

I think back over the last few years over the joys and the heartache and wonder if it is or was worth it.  Yet hand on my heart I know it was as I would not be the person I am today if it had not been for what had gone before.  We can now plan our future for real and take it away from the dreams and move them into reality.  At the weekend we sat and looked at mortgage options and the best routes for us to take and talked about having conversations with my bank about available routes to take on savings as they appeared to have a good route in relation save to mortgage which is linked to a flexible fixed offset account.  In essence this means the rate is fixed, but is flexible in that we can over pay during the term of the fixed term without any penalties and offset because anything in savings is offset against the amount owing on the mortgage meaning we can pay less interest than we would normally if it is not linked to a savings account.  How cool is that?  or is this just me returning to excitable Geek mode?

We have also talked and looked at booking our honeymoon with locations narrowed down to four possibilities, Cuba, Cancun, Bora Bora and Maldives.  My lust is for one of the last three as I can at least go diving there but am just as happy to see Cuba before it becomes all materialistic and joins the current state of the rest of the world.

Aside from this it has been Christmas and although I have got a couple of days off, ie not back in until New Years eve then back to work as normal on the 2nd as my boss very kindly has allowed me to work from home we are travelling all over on short trips and bursts.  As tomorrow we are off to Lancashire to visit my husbands parents and deliver gifts, then en route back two days later we are visiting friends in Blackburn.  At some point in January we have to catch up and deliver presents to his youngest brother and his best friend.  We then have his birthday in February, which I have plans and ideas for, then our wedding anniversary in March and his parents big birthdays in April.  So until April it is all go and then a quarter of the year as gone again.

For me it all feels a little fast forward and watching my life in time-lapse sequences on a large screen, so I am trying to enjoy every moment and just live love to the maximum before it is all too late

One more thing I go, thank you for reading and continue to do so, since my lack of posting in the last month.  I hope you all had an amazing Christmas and I wish you all a fun-filled and life learning new year.

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Who I am

Thank-you to Lucy for sharing this heart felt story with me

SANTA AND SARAH
Three years ago, a little boy and his grandmother came to see Santa at the McAllister Mall in Saint John. The child climbed up on his lap, holding a picture of a little girl.

Who is this?” asked Santa, smiling. “Your friend?

“Yes, Santa,’ he replied. “My sister,  Sarah, who is very sick,” he said sadly.

Santa glanced over at the grandmother who was waiting nearby, and saw her dabbing her eyes with a tissue. “She wanted to come with me to see you, oh, so very much, Santa!” the child exclaimed. “She misses you,” he added softly.

Santa tried to be cheerful and encouraged a smile to the boy’s face, asking him what he wanted Santa to bring him for Christmas.

When they finished their visit, the Grandmother came over to help the child off…

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