What I can say I have awaken this morning and feel like I have for the last few weeks like a fraud a shadow of failing of what I should be what I am capable of achieving.

My world is feeling brow beaten and deserted and although things are good I struggle at the moment to see the positive.

Pay day has been and gone and I am back to counting pennies not because I have to but because I am determined not to be in debt… to  pay off the one outstanding credit card sooner than later and finish paying the honeymoon.

I cant help but feel that I am being swallowed by something bigger than me at the moment and I don’t know how to fight back any more.  I have lost my fight my will to live.  I don’t want to be subjugated and suppressed into something I don’t want I just don’t have the energy nor the will to fight for what I want.

I am being swallowed by a world that I can no longer control, I feel uncontrolled anger and hurt at everything without really knowing why and know I need to stop.  Tears brim to my eyes and I fight them back as I have no reason to cry.

I feel like a victim my strength feels broken and I see the slide that is so easy to take to let me fall within the grounds and die.  I don’t want to be on this rat race I don’t want to be fighting this fight.  I am tired and I just want to Stop the world and get of.

The world is a lost and empty place and I feel alone and isolated and with nowhere to turn.  I slap myself for being a victim paint a smile on my face and continue but I don’t know where to go or what to do.

I remember I being swallowed by grief and memories once more.  June will be upon us shortly and all I want to do is hibernate.  This month fills me with so much countless emotion I am feeling drained.  The fighting of emotions.  The fight to survive and stay afloat is exhausting but it is all I can do.  I throw myself into work, my books, my writing anything that for one month stops me feeling, thinking or caring.

I need to just survive.

But please does anyone know where the emergency stop button is

 

As I really do want tot stop the world and get off.

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