Study struggle

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So I got my materials through the other day for the first section of my professional study materials.  I have been slowly reading through this since Monday, between working full time, husband having guests over and playing D&D.  Today was going to be my optimal day of being dedicated, focussed and getting things done.  My target was to to finish chapter one.

However, three hours after starting I find I am only 10 pages further on from where I had started and effectively only half way through the chapter.  Okay so it’s not perfect I tell myself it is progress.  Then I remind myself that next weekend I am supposed to be a 1/4 of the way through this module and ie at the end of Chapter 3 if I want to meet any of the deadlines and have the course completed in time for the 2 year deadline date.  I then had to remind myself my books were a week late in turning up so as long as I am at the end of Chapter 2 next week I am on time – but at the moment, I don’t even think I will manage that.

I then decided to look at preparation time suggested on the study website and it advises 115 minutes to complete the whole chapter, and now I feel even more demoralized with the situation then I did before I had talked myself out of the resigned slump I had put myself into thinking I am never going to reach my 1/4 milestone target.

Emotionally I now feel a wreck.  My stress levels have had hit the roof and all I really want to do right now is cry.  Throw the books out the window like a child and quit.  None of which I know are really productive and that it is purely an emotive knee jerk reaction.  I am sure a good night’s sleep and some time away will make everything better again.

As a result of this I have decided to draw a blank on this today and come back to things fresh tomorrow.

Close the door as I think the background noise is not helping with my concentration levels and just shut the world out and get on with it.  Naturally if I dont complete the deadlines then my treat of the cinema next week is off the agenda.  Might as well start giving myself the treat enhancement option as an incentive to try and get things done.  Let’s see how well it works moving forwards.

Wish me well and lets hope I can catch up

x

Stop the world I wanna get off

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What I can say I have awaken this morning and feel like I have for the last few weeks like a fraud a shadow of failing of what I should be what I am capable of achieving.

My world is feeling brow beaten and deserted and although things are good I struggle at the moment to see the positive.

Pay day has been and gone and I am back to counting pennies not because I have to but because I am determined not to be in debt… to  pay off the one outstanding credit card sooner than later and finish paying the honeymoon.

I cant help but feel that I am being swallowed by something bigger than me at the moment and I don’t know how to fight back any more.  I have lost my fight my will to live.  I don’t want to be subjugated and suppressed into something I don’t want I just don’t have the energy nor the will to fight for what I want.

I am being swallowed by a world that I can no longer control, I feel uncontrolled anger and hurt at everything without really knowing why and know I need to stop.  Tears brim to my eyes and I fight them back as I have no reason to cry.

I feel like a victim my strength feels broken and I see the slide that is so easy to take to let me fall within the grounds and die.  I don’t want to be on this rat race I don’t want to be fighting this fight.  I am tired and I just want to Stop the world and get of.

The world is a lost and empty place and I feel alone and isolated and with nowhere to turn.  I slap myself for being a victim paint a smile on my face and continue but I don’t know where to go or what to do.

I remember I being swallowed by grief and memories once more.  June will be upon us shortly and all I want to do is hibernate.  This month fills me with so much countless emotion I am feeling drained.  The fighting of emotions.  The fight to survive and stay afloat is exhausting but it is all I can do.  I throw myself into work, my books, my writing anything that for one month stops me feeling, thinking or caring.

I need to just survive.

But please does anyone know where the emergency stop button is

 

As I really do want tot stop the world and get off.

I wish I were

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I would like to say in another time or place, or even  anywhere but here right now.  My mood is bordering on, shall we say, not the best.I am cold, and feeling the start of a bad head cold, which leaves me to think whether I need to cancel my birthday night out on Saturday.  I am missing my mum and pondering on better times.

However I still don’t want to be anywhere else right now.  Why?  I believe in that your are where you are supposed to be in any given moment in time, gives me focus.  It reminds me that when times are tough, I am here to learn something.  There is something currently missing from my armoury that I need to be able to move forwards with my life.  Often I wont know what that is until that time has passed. The problem that was making me want to be somewhere else is no longer relevant, but the sun is shining and everything is bright and breezy once more.  So for now I am going to focus on the here and now.  Remember that each day is precious; life is short, but it needs living.

As they say dance like no one is watching.  Sing like a Diva and most importantly smile.  Why because people think you have a secret and it confuses them as Lily Allen once said.  There is something very simple about a smile that does a thousand and one things.  By forcing yourself to smile you are in effect raising your own mood, there is something that such a simple action can alter your own mood.  Imagine how one small action like that can affect your mood, how it can also effect everyone else around you.

So yes life is not great at the moment, but I am smiling like I don’t care.  Enjoying not having to go out into the cold at the moment, and can stay home wrapped up warm… except at the moment where I am absolutely freezing.  Layers all the way at the moment in keeping warm it is.

So for where I wish I were right now?  The answer quite simply is here at my PC writing this prose for you all to enjoy

Big smiles and love all round

Enjoy

x

How do you define loss?

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When going through my daily emails and word presses today, I read with interest the Word Press’ daily post of Daily Prompts.  The title of today’s is write about the most precious thing you have lost.  I usually try to do the daily presses or Weekly presses ideals but rarely get round to them.  Mainly because I don’t make the effort to get my ideas to fit into the notions behind the idea, or I just quite simply don’t get myself into gear to complete the required elements of the task being asked of me.  Today none of that was an issue.

Write about the most precious thing you have lost.  I could start with the simple things of losing commercial items of sentimental value to me and how they miraculous re-appeared.  In which I am talking about my I-Pod Shuffle.  I am not a commercially driven person or a person is driven by labels. However this was a gift from an ex-partner and his sisters, with a personal engraving on the back.  How did I lose it? I don’t honestly recall.  I had it with me from a night out with friends where I was celebrating my birthday, as I remember listening to it on the train home from the city to the suburbs.  However the next morning when I went for it, it was not there.  I searched everywhere for it, throughout the flat where I was currently living, outside near the front door down to the open gate.  But no luck.  I had resided then to myself that it was gone for good.  At this point I had also split with my partner who had given it to me, so there was no awkward moment of having to try to explain what had happened.  Then several months later whilst on a telephone call with a recruitment agent for a job which was about to change my life forever. I was looking out of my bedroom window and there next to my passenger side front wheel of the car, something had caught my eye.  When I had finished my conversation I went out to take a look and there sat in amongst the weeds and the dirt was my shuffle.  I turned the shuffle over to see if the inscription was on the back and there it was. I was relieved and pleased to have found it.  Let alone amazed.  I wiped it down, plugged it in and it charged, still held my songs and played. Wow what luck was this I could not believe it.

But this is not the most precious thing I have lost is.  So why tell you this story then if this was not what I wanted to talk about.  I tell you this because the night I lost this was the night I started to lose the most precious thing in my life at that moment in time.

Coming up to 4 years ago, on a train back to my home from a night out with friends celebrating my birthday,  I received a telephone call to say that my mother had been rushed into hospital with Septicemia, C-DIFF along with several other conditions.  My mum had been in a wheelchair since I was 18 months old.  She then had my sister when I was nearly 5 and with the help of my father was a pro-active mother.  Helping out in our schools as part of the PTA, teaching children to bake, being involved with reading groups and teaching children to read.  In addition to this she had a condition called Neurofibromatosis.  A genetic disorder which has two strains.  Neither are pleasant and both have long-lasting affects on health and life spans.  The gene itself is dominant so if you have the gene you have the condition.  I don’t.  My sister does. My mum had been fighting for the past 10 years prior to that an infected abscess on your upper thigh, which was only starting to heal.  My brain went into shut down mood and I just wanted to get off the train.  Not understanding what C-Diff was I rang a friend whose husband was a doctor and a nurse I knew for guidance to try to help me assess the seriousness of the situation.  None of it really mattered, I was already scheduled to go home that weekend anyway with being my birthday I just wanted to know what I was going to be facing.  That weekend was one of the worst in my life.  As per usual mother and I argued.  Why?  because I had not told her I was coming home it was supposed to be a surprise and I wanted it kept so despite her being so ill.  Foolishly I though it would cheer her up.  We also argued as I had notified the nurses of her tendency to throw up food after eating.  She hated the fact that I would watch her purge and then scald her for it.  We had changed roles.  I was suddenly the hapless parent unable to save my child, who was has stubborn and opinionated as I was.  Would I have argued if I had known that was the last time I had seen my mum.  I would like to say no but that is probably not an honest answer.  Do I regret arguing with her.  No.  I do dislike that one of the last memories I have of me with my mum is a disagreement.  However, this also founded the basis of our relationship and a large part of why I am so self-reliant, independent and strong-willed today, is very much a result of that.

MY mum, me and Ella

The most precious thing I’ve Lost

Traveling home after that weekend home I had the realization that my mum was not going to see Christmas.  My friends said I was being slightly melodramatic.  However, I knew I was not.  Three weeks later I got a phone call to say she had died.

So the most precious thing I have lost today would be my mother.  No thing can replace a parent when they go whether they be it a mother or a father.  Four years it will be in November.  November now for me can fall of the calendar and disappear as far as I am concerned.  Four years on and I still feel like I am grieving.  I don’t feel as if I have moved forward from that day so much.  I am aware that time passes and there are certain moments in my life when I wish she was there. When I moved to Switzerland for a year, so she could sit and berate me for abandoning my family but then sit and brag about it to family and friends.  When I got married earlier this year.  When my sister had a son.  These are things she will never see and are not a part of .  It is these moments when her absence is sorely missed.

November for me is a troubling month and I one I rarely relish with any great enthusiasm.  But when things get me down and they do I think of the words of my grandfather of Nil Desparandum and Illegitmi non carborundum.  Telling me not to despair and not to let live get me down.  It gives me a wry smile.  I think look over to my elusive shuffle that disappeared that fateful day in November and then re-appeared the day I had the conversation with the agent which was to send me to Switzerland, see the man I love come track me down and me get married and I smile.

Beauty my Mum never SAW

Swiss Alps

Beauty my mum never saw

Switzerland

Mum never got to see me living here

I think how one small action and one small object can stir so many emotions but I am reminded that out of dark times a bright light will shine.  It reminds me of how far I have come, and how much further I still have to travel and what other amazing twists and turns will lie before me with such surprising consequences.  I know some of these surprises wont be pleasant, but I know from each of them I will learn something.  I will grow and develop as a result of each of them.  And when enough time has passed I can look back on them and reflect upon them in a positive way.  I am still grieving the loss of my mum.  But I am still breathing.  I am still alive.  And I still keep putting one foot in front of the other and telling the world I am still here.  I am still standing so what are you going to do about.

Ella and Edward

What Mum did not get to see – Her Grandson

Whats Missing

My Wedding

Whats Missing>?

Hectic Week

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This week seems to be turning in ever diminishing circles.  At times I have felt like a piece of rag within a tornado and others a floating feather upon a light spring breeze.  The polarity of the emotions has not helped me moods at all.  At times I felt drained, bedraggled and down right fed-up with life.  My exhaustion just showing itself in grumpiness and a constant state of bleurghh.  The whole thing has been topped up with not being able to get anything productive down anywhere or at least that is how it has felt.  I am wishing for the day that I am back in work and life feels more ‘normal’ again.  A word I hate to use as I for one know that I am not normal.

As each day goes by I am feeling more and more washed out by it all.  My husband is doing his best to ease the pressures but when all both of us really need is a holiday and there is no viable way to afford one the fatigue will continue to build.  Along with fighting the daily demons.  I know that work is now a numbers game and it should not be so long until I get a permanent position it just feels like a long time coming.  However I guess when you are unemployed, whilst you are awaiting for that elusive job this is always the case.  Talking to people yesterday in the job centre I had things re-affirmed about how lucky I was to be getting contacts from agents, and even more so interviews.  There are so many people out there who do not or appear not to know how to cope with an interview or as of yet have not had an interview in over 6 months.  For me it is coming up 3 months I have been down to final for several interviews and had several more on top.

Here is hoping that in the next 4-8 weeks I will find something permanent if anything it will make for a nice Christmas Present.

Talking of which I am currently trying to get my partner to focus on such ideas but like most men excuse my sweeping statement the focus is just not there.  Although there is a definite feel of he is plotting something, which is making me uneasy

I am going to leave things here for now and I will try to blog again a little later on today but if nothing else have a calm, chilled relaxed today and enjoy the beautiful autumn weather.

 

A day of horses, telephones and madness

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Yesterday was an unprecedented day as most days can be.  It was like someone had decided to smack me around the side of the head with a massive 4×4 plank of wood – which would also explain the splitting headache I have had since yesterday afternoon, that I am still trying to recover from and would explain why I am sat at my desk with my sunglasses on the curtains drawn but the windows open.

The morning started much as any other, I was still feeling a little raw from having done some mental battling over the last couple of days and not feeling quite right.  However with my husband keeping an ever watchful eye we have been able to muddle through those muddy murky patches that we both occasional get and manage to keep both of us sane – if that is what you can describe it as. I find that sanity is such a pejorative term and seems to fluctuate with the ages and whomever is using. For society it is what is deemed as sociably accepted by the terms, for individuals it is what is deemed not to far outside of their own code of ethics – again though this is heavily influenced by the notion of social norms and normality.  I personally class myself as neither normal or sane mainly because I found the normal mundane and boring and sanity leads to the latter.  Then I tend to follow this up with the argument if I know am insane does that actually make me sane as only a sane person could know their insane and an insane person would think there sane. I then find people trying to work this out interesting and watching their reactions interesting as they come to realizations of are the ones that are actually insane and I sane or the other way round.  However I digress away from the topic of this blog.

Although to be fair this was very much the way of my day yesterday I would start one thing, the phone would go.  I would get distracted and then I would have to start again on what ever I was doing previously.  This initially began with a phone call from my mother in law – who called back after Sundays call where I was, as noted above, dealing with some muddy waters.  If anything my brightened state helped to re-assure her that I was not about to do anything stupid and we had a lovely chat about the weather events for the day and her time away in Invernesss and the Black isle in a couple of weeks time.  In addition to this I have my sister’s birthday coming up next week so I have ordered her, her birthday present.  Something which she has been pestering my partner and I for, for some time – in fact since she came to visit us just over a year ago now.

However whilst in the middle of the conversation with my mother in law I received a call from channel 3 communications in relation to a job application I had made for an initial conversation.  This appeared to go well and then when I looked up from this it was close to 1300 and I had to get ready to go to the DHSS an event I dread every two weeks but these things must be done.  However I am usually quite lucky as the know I am trying to find work and so I don’t usually get too much of a hard time from them.  In fact I personally think they find it difficult dealing with professionals who want to work and pull out all the stops to do so.  Yesterday however turned out to be more productive than usual and I came away with some interesting points of contacts, a few changes to my search agreement but everything was positive and a new intervention interview booked in for a months time to go through things once more.  However I am hoping this wont be the case.

To top this off I then received another phone call about a front of office managers role which I had applied for in London, not quite what I was looking for but it was a job and I had the majority of the skill sets so thought hey ho – let us throw my hat in the arena and see what happens.  So a good 30 minutes later – basically my bus drive from home to the DHSS office I had a conversation about what I was looking for what I could offer a company my salary expectations and where I was prepared to be flexible.  The agent on the other side of the phone sounded some what overwhelmed and whoa this is someone who knows what they are doing by the time we had finished with her giving my credit on my approach of using skills rather than job title to hunt, and manipulating those skills to fit a tight and difficult market economy at the moment.  Unfortunately this role was not meant to be as they wanted someone with a lot more experience within the building arena, which although my father is a bricklayer by trade, and I have worked for civil engineering company for the last 16 months was not quite sufficient or the right mix they needed.  For those now reading this and saying you did not say about your father in the conversation did you – I can assure no I did not.

I had also had a telephone call from a dear friend the night before telling my about October’s Writing magazine, unfortunately they had sold out by the time I went in to get it and so managed to pick up the November issue instead which has lots of useful information about NANOWRIMO, which for those of you who are not aware is NAtional NOvel WRIting MOnth, in which people from across the globe attempt to write 50000 words towards a novel.  I have been doing this for the past two years but have not yet been successful as a result of work commitments, however this year I am hoping to get past the 20k mark and make it to the 50k mark or beyond.  The idea of which is based on the fresh ideas blog from the other day.

Anyway I then got home to discover a missed call from the Channel 3 who wish to advance my application with a more formal telephone conversation with the head of recruitment today.  So once I finish here I will be completing my preparation for this which takes place in a little over 2 hours time.  Nervous yes but content in that I can offer what they need.

Once all this was sorted I had little over an hour to gather myself together as my partner and I went on our first ever stable management course.  The course is being held by my step-daughters riding school at Goulds Green near Hayes.  It was an interesting evening as we learnt the basics and importance of grooming and we also had the opportunity to do so myself.  I faced my fear of hoof picking and the fear it would either hurt or I would get kicked.  Neither happened and Nelson who i was teamed with was a perfect gentlemen.  To the point he was getting frustrated when the grooming was stopped and kept head butting us all to continue which was rather sweet.  I also had the pleasure of stabling him for the evening which was great and thoroughly enjoyable.  Both my partner and I really enjoyed the event and would like to move it onto to doing the full course and maybe the accelerated riding options, which would give us a certificate in stable management level 1 and the basics in being a riding instructor.

The event was supposed to be 90 minutes long, 2 hours later we were all still there feeding the horses and having a lovely time but at this point it was time to leave.  For me it was just long enough has the headache was bordering a migraine status and I was starting to pale as my husband calls it.  We drove home and upon getting there I was violently ill before even reaching the confines of our flat.  This only meant that I ended up getting to the flat finding a cold flannel and falling into bed to try to remove the headache before today.  Unfortunately as noted above this has not happened but the urge to be ill has been removed and the use of the shades is enabling me to be able to focus on the screen without too many difficulties.
However I fear that I may have bored you readers for long enough now and I should prep for my interview, so a I bid you all a glorious sunny day as it is here and I hope to write some more for you tomorrow

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