Thank you for doing your jobs


What can I say about this week.  It has been emotional, tiring, draining and at times uncompromising.  At times I have been a total bitch to people who don’t deserve it.  Yet they have stood there, held me close and still told me they love me.  What I have done to deserve such unwavering faith and love.  I do not know.  I am sure I do not deserve such loyalty and love and friendship in my life.  Yet when things get tough, like I have commented on Bi-polar blogging it is with these friendships that I can pull myself through and survive even the toughest days.  There have been many blogs I have read in the last 24 hours that have made me cry, be proud that I can be a remote part of someone’s thoughts and feelings and others that have made me down right angry and it is these three areas I want to cover in my blog today.

Let me start with the one that made me cry.  This blog was posted by Terry 1954.  This guy has my ultimate respect, he has taken on a thankless task.  A career.  He looks after his brother who has Parkinsons’ along with other problems.  He will often talk about his frustrations but more than anything as a fellow reader you can feel the love he has for his brother and the joy he gets from when the little things that happen over time – see blog two more names to add to the thank you list.  However today he produced a blog which was beautiful, moving and extremely touching.  I don’t often have tears rolling down my face when reading my blogs, but in the quiet of the moment, they came freely.  Why?  Apart from the fact it is beautifully written, I felt humbled by the emotion.  To compound with that the ideas that were behind it, death, departure, letting go, loss all hit home for me this time of year.  As many of you will know who have read my blog over the last month.  November is a tough time for me personally.  Two weeks on Thursday will be 4 years to the day that I lost my mum.  A pain that has never really eased in my heart, but I have found a way to function in the day-to-day without it holding too much of a grip in the reality.  However the beauty of the pain, brought all the reality of that grief back to the surface, the pain the hurt, the anguish.  However despite the pain of it all, it felt good to cry, to let the emotions out and flow.  To be fair for the first time in four years I feel almost human again, like I can breathe, like I have grieved.  As if something has passed on, or as if I have moved on.  Maybe that is the case, that I have final moved or am moving onto acceptance.  I am not saying that it will ever be great not having mum around, but maybe thanks to Terry 1954 I will no longer fear November like I have for the last four years and for that I must say “THANK YOU”, with a full heart a warm and  tender smile and tear rolling out of my left eye, with no more emotion than simple gratitude.  This goes to a man who deserves all our support.

A blog to be proud of is the BI-Polar Blogging.  For any who read this guys blogs, or who picked up on his blog from daily pressed will know who hard he has fought over the past few weeks with his condition.  As a fellow sufferer, I can share his plight and his struggles but can also offer support and confirm that there is light at the end of the tunnel and that with time if he keeps fighting things do get better.  Only a few weeks ago, this blogger was fighting for his life.  Not through life support, nor through terminal illness. but as a result of something for worse.  Mental illness.  This condition is an unhappy one at times and can make the brightest days seem bleak and dark but even tougher are for those who don’t understand, when all they can say is really, all you need to do is pull yourself together things are not that bad.  A sentiment when I hear it makes me want to scream and slap the person who has said it.  It is even made worse when the doctors don’t understand the condition either.  Bi-polar is a condition that has gone through many guises.  One I was diagnosed it was referred to as Manic depression.  The worst part of the condition as Bi-Polar will confirm is the pendulum swings, from the manic highs to the epic lows.  The trick with this condition is understanding its effect upon your own psychology, recognizing the symptoms, and the triggers and putting in blocks to help keep things stable.  Me I have done things the hard way.  I have been on medication and it has been a great help in acting as a stabilizer.  For me I need intensive therapy but cannot afford it so I have done self-analysis worked out my triggers and looked at how I can prevent them from being a problem.  BI-Polar this week is seeing the benefits of good health care, well prescribed medication and what sounds like an excellent therapist in his blog moving forwards.  I am proud to have been a part of Bi-Polars’ progress and hope that myself and others who follow him can continue to be source of encouragement and support for him in all the challenges that are to come his way.  Yet from reading his journey, I know he will make it.  He will come through the other side and maybe one day decided that now is the time to throw away the medication and start to live and trust his building blocks that he has put in place.  I am looking forward to that day along with all the others along the way.

And now for the one that made angry.  It had nothing to do with the person’s opinion, but other people’s actions to his responses to questions asked.  The recovering Legalist is a blogger who I enjoy for his little anecdotes, his dry wit and sarcastic sense of humour.  His blog today was dealing with the recent elections in the US.  His blog of reverse racism, reminded me of an incident when I was back at University/College (Pending on which side of the pond you are reading this on), when I had the colour of my skin thrown in my face because of an innocent action.  I can already hear many saying you must have done something, yes I had.  I sat in an empty chair.  Apparently though this chair was being used by Mr invisible – excuse the sarcasm or not as you prefer and so I sat in it.  When at some time later, the apparent rightful owner returned and accused me of taking his chair and thinking I had the automatic right to do so because I was white.  That was it.  Up to that point I was prepared to apologise and hand it back but not any more.  My response resulted in an excuse me in a high-pitched squeaky voice that I get when I am angry and upset.  My husband says it’s hard to stay mad when the voice comes out ‘ because it’s funny and cute.  I think it’s just because he loves me.  But I digress from the issue at hand.  His response was I took the chair because I know it was being used by a black person and I though being white I could lord my power over him. I went again excuse me.  You are accusing me of taking your chair because of the colour of our skins?  Yes came his response. I am sorry I said, but there was no name on the chair, no coat on the chair, no bag nearby and the machine was not switched on.  There was nothing to suggest that the chair was in use.  Based on that how could I know anything about you.  How dare you excuse me of taking something based on someone else’s race.  Then he said I was being racist.  I am sorry. I am sorry, I am being racist.  Hold on just there I did not bring race or creed into this you did.  You are the racist not me.  At which point I turned to my friend – who I must point out is mixed race – apologised and said I would meet him outside.  I then picked up my coat and left.  Shoving rather aggressively – I have to admit the chair to person who had wanted it so badly.  Some time later a security guard came out to see me to apologise.  I asked what for and was told that the guy who had accused me of being racist had filed a complaint against me and asked for me not to be let back into the school.  The guard had the good sense to speak to my friend who had told them what had happened.  The person who had filed the complaint had been given a dressing down according to my friend and the school apologised.  Although the apology was appreciated I felt that it should have come from the offender and not the school.

It was also at that time when I realised how hate can develop and racism grows along with other prejudices.  I however have always prided myself on treating people on how they treat me.  I have never and will never judge people on how they look, how they behave to others, it is only in their treatment of me on how I make a decision about a person.  The only time I probably make an exception to this is when I thing a friend is being wronged.  In fact I have often been told by friends when meeting certain people, please do not say anything.  I have tact and will only raise the issues if they raise it first.  At the end of the day I protect and fight for my friends as hard as I fight for my own.  This makes me feisty, head strong and determined in whatever I do.  This also gives me a tenacity and a resilience which is needed to survive in today’s climate.

However, it is now time for me to draw my blog to a close.  But first I need to thank the above bloggers for their blogs and say I hope they don’t mind me using them in my blog today.  I would also like to pass my strength and courage to Terry, my support to Bi-polar and my patience and understanding to the recovering Legalist.  To everyone else,  enjoy the read. and have a great weekend and remember everyone.  Keep breathing and take each day as it comes x




Sunday Chillin’

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Well the weekend was much as expected, slow and relaxed.  I suspect next weekend will be less so.  With Lottie Sandstorm arriving late on Friday after a day trip to Belgium and Flanders.  Then going to visit her cousin on the Saturday in Fancy dress for a premature Halloween bash and fun and catch-up.  Sunday will become a day of collapsed bodies and exhaustion.

However between now and then I have the DHSS to address on my usual Wednesday appointment, I have an unexpected tax bill to pay and more jobs to track down and apply for.  As of yet I have yet to manage to do some work for NANOWRIMO which is drawing on close to the start with still little work started.  I have still to start on Christmas presents and am having to leave a majority of the bulk buying to my partner.  Writing and thinking of all this is already getting me in a bit of a tizz about the whole thing.

Hubby is currently cooking dinner of Chicken and Pasta for our tea.  Always good when I don’t have to cook.  There is also that chance he will actually eat something.  Not that my cooking is particularly bad we just have very different styles of cooking.  To the point this weekend we talked about putting together our cook book of recipes and achievements of cooking on a budget.

This weekend resulted in an unexpected visit to the cinema to see Looper.  An intriguing and interesting version on the sci-fi notion of time travel.  It consisted of little of the usually Hollywood contrite way of doing moves and left the watcher having to think.  Parts which made me flinch and close my eyes at times.  Yet enthralling, entertaining and very brain active.  This is not a movie you can go to and switch your brain off.  There is too much happening, that co-insides with each other and will definitely need another watch when it comes out on DVD.  In addition to this I managed to get my first glimpse of Skyfall the new Bond movie which is released on the 26th.  OMG I cannot wait to see that either.

Life I feel is suddenly about to get very interesting.  I have the nervous anticipation of not, that tells of fast joyous moments are soon to be upon us and life changing events are coming.  When 3- 6 months tends to be the normal time scales when things like this happen.  Last time I lost my job.  Moved to Switzerland.  Got engaged tot he man I married earlier this year.  All in the space of 7 months for the sake of accuracy. Although we got together within 6 months and engaged by the 7th.  I love this feeling as I know things are going to work out all right.  Faith is all that is needed to make sure that it happens

Dinner is soon to be served.  So I am going to end this blog now and wish you all to enjoy the rest of your Sunday and say have faith, live life and enjoy it, whatever it throws your way, as you never know where it will lead

Friday Finale

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It’s that day before the weekend arrives, for many of us there are a few working hours left and then the fun really starts.  For me it is a chance to stop thinking about finding a job and time to spend with the family and friends.  This weekend consists purely of me and hubby and no concrete plans in place. I suspect a chillin’ one will be the tone of the weekend.  There will be lots of reading, writing, playing computer games and potentially some trips out and about somewhere if we can decide on where to go and what to do.

However, before then, I still have some loose ends to tie up from last week; including following up on some job applications and the speculative calls I made on people at RHP UK earlier on this week.  Once this has been done I suspect the course of action will be to remove myself from a PC for a few hours and continue to read The Map, by TS Lerner.  I am sure at some point I will find myself on SSX or my t’other half on mine craft.  I will endeavor to try and do some preparation this weekend for NANOWRIMO which is now looming on the horizon.

In addition to this I must do some research on eateries as per the instruction from my darling friend NeekiO, as to where we should go for my looming birthday in about 3 weeks – shivers at the thought.  Me and birthdays not pleasant thoughts.  Mainly due to being let down by people repeatedly in relation to them in the past.  I need to clarify what days do she wants me to look at the eateries for. As I have a couple of options for either a Friday Night or Saturday afternoon as to what can be done and this will dictate eating locations.  This year my birthday weekend is with my wonderful step-daughter Lottie Sandstorm so the day is guaranteed to be filled with dry humor lots of fun and giggles and winding up her father, my husband, in vast quantities with the same returned double to both of us.

Husband on the other hand is planning other things and I can smell plotting afoot which always makes me nervous.  I still have to acquire presents for him for Christmas but I have plans aplenty for that too, and I short walk to the fridge – aka Tesco- should resolve part of that problem a little later on.

However none of this is helping with the imminent problem of tying up my current loose ends.  So I guess I should stop my waffles and go tidy up so the weekend can really get started

Hope you all have a good weekend and let me know how it goes?  or What your plans are?


Is it only Tuesday

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Wow what a week and a bit, it all started last week, when we had the week from hell.  After our usually two weekly meeting at the Job Centre it has now been decided that since we have been unable to secure work for the last 3 months we now need to have extra help finding work – with no consideration on the number of jobs applied for, the number of successful encounters this has made with agencies or prospectus employers alike.  We have now been advised that for the next 6 weeks we must go down weekly and show our weekly turnaround and potential start to accept a wage at a minimum level, which I quickly disavowed on the basis that I am have been working since I was 13, in one capcity or another either delivering papers, or shop assistant and will not be told now, two degrees on and 11 years in the working arena what salary I am suitable to request from an employee.  After firmly but politely showing the JSA Advisor the error of his ways and then listening to him getting a polite but firm rebuttal and telling off from his superior, I was deemed one to the man on the street 0 to the JSA.  However considered to lower my minimum salary down to 23k but only if it was on my doorstep ie walking distance to walk, otherwise the salary would be meaningless.  What was more impressive about this day was that both he and his computer equipment remained intact.

That evening my partner had resolved to celebrate his birthday and valentines with a meal out at
tiger green brasserie, which is attached to the Hilton, after purchasing a a meal deal for two from London Zoo at £49 for the entire meal excluding wine and gratis.  The meal itself was faultless, filling and satisfying.  Personally I would have found 2 courses more than sufficient, as I struggled with the third and felt overly full afterwards.  However was a little disappointed with several things at the night out, one I wanted the scallops but they were served with a coriander and cumin sauce, however when requested if it was possible to have without the coriander was advised this was not possible as they were already were spiced and prepared and this was not an option.  I think went for the spicy chicken salad with mange tout, and although devine, I could find no mange tout on the plate.  This was then followed by a pork and mushroom sauce with a garlic mash.  This was faultless in every count, the pork was just cooked off medium to well done with a little pinkness inside making it melt in your mouth tender, the mash and the mushrooms heaven.  Dessert was a rich chocolate tart and although dark and rich it lacked the bitterness I was expecting, which was heavenly, creamy and smooth and very light.  I suspect by the enjoyable sounds coming from my other half his was just as a delightful.  All of this was washed down with a bottle of Chablis yummy.  At the end of the service we received a repeat voucher to go again before the end of December, and it may be something which we will very well put good use to.  My only concern with the evening outside of this was not the level of service nor the standards of the sommelier nor the Maitre D’ but the general staff seemed to have forgotten basic serving etiquette of your serve from the right and collect from the left.  Outside of this a very pleasant end to a trying afternoon.

The next day I was supposed to be attending an interview but was struck down with a migraine and so spent most of the next day in bed suffering terribly with the afflication and feeling slightly worse for wear and sorry for myself.  Thankfully my darling other half re-scheduled my appointments for me, which has meant that this week has become somewhat choatic to say the least.

Yesterday was day one of the Interview week, the first one was for a maternity cover contract role which seemed to go really well and I have had exceptional feedback from the company in relation to this but as of yet no decision, which is not expected until towards the end of this week.  I also received at last feedback from another interview with Cookson electronics today, an interview which I had attended a few weeks ago only to be told my only reason for not securing the position was that the individual who did had worked in that specific industry.  A very frustrating but enlightening feeling to discover that I can make a decision hard for people to make against myself and someone else.

Aside from that I have now had one of the postponed interviews today with an airlines trade unionst position for a regulations compliance advisor, which of itself was a demanding role and unfortuantely in this instance I do not feel so positive about this position or securing the role, but time will tell, again feedback expected at the end of the week.  Coming out of the interview I had several missed calls all job related.  Office Angels in Croyden are looking to re-vamp me up and pimp me out to potential employers aagain and so we shall see how positive this goes, Source 4 rang in relation to an immediate start temporary position with a going rate of £17ph, and a throw away JSA role wants to interview me on Thursday.

I arrived back at the flat frustrated after the interview today, realising that somewhere in my head I had decided the the capital of Iceland had got bored and moved to Finland so I dont hold out much hope there, although I did get the capital of Albania right with Tirana.  I arrived home to start prepping for my agency meet tomorrow and interview for office manager in Uxbridge tomorrow.

I also at some point tomorrow need to fit in a call to the JSA to advice and re-schedule my sign on day or arrange to go in early or late tomorrow.  Thursday is now fully booked with a double interview with one in Richmond, and one for SCC where both my partner and I are going head to head on the role, so tomorrow evening will be exceptionally busy with preparation for two interviews in one go going ahead.

One thinks that one Friday I will be collapsing in a heap and hoepfully reaping the rewards of a busy week and awaiting the signing of a job contract hopefully for a permenant position – but I guess only time will tell and I cant change the past or the present – one can only really focus on the here and now and everything else will take care of itself

So I will leave you to absorb this information and relax into your evening as I now switch off to enjoy the food that my partner has delicately prepared for home made burgers and chips yummmy

Enjoy the rest of your week and I will catch up with you later

Frustrating week

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Well  what can I say, last Saturday was going so well until I bent over to pick up a glass from smalls bedside table and my back went POP.

Just under 12 months ago I prolapsed three of my lumber discs and in the lower region and it was only come September last year I was getting to some level of mobilty after a caudal epidural to alleviate the pain and act as an anti-inflammatory.  The immediate changes within 6 weeks were amazing just in my movability to have it pop again so soon has been frustrating annoying.  The result has been a very emotional, draining and trying week for my partner I think.  His support and love this week has been amazing- and I am hoping that tomorrow with his birthday I can repay some of his love and genoristy and kindness and honesty he has shown me.

I am still struggling with the lack of mobility again this week and finding it so hard.  I have had to stop all exercises this week and when I think progress is being made I go backwards again.  For example tonight when cooking, I became clumsy in the kitchen dropped a lid jumped back and jarred it again.  So frustrating and annoying.

Have gone back to the left over drugs I had from last year so Tramadol here I come and I will be taking Dicolofenic tonight to help with the inflammation.  In this instance because it seems to be waivering I am hoping it is more muscle than a disc problem.  Both my partner and I are monitoring the situation to see how it progress. I am also increasing my pialte and yoga work out for the back to try and get health back on track but have stepped right back from the more cardiac work-outs and is annoying that my hockey training has now been pushed back again and I have now had to re-consider if I can go back to training and so am looking back into training to be a hockey trainer and umpire instead so I can still enjoy the game even if I cant play.

I have however continued with the job applications and managed to enjoy getting to a recruitment meeting and an interview this week.  Am waiting to see if I was successful but am fearful if I get the job how my back will cope witht eh driving and the travelling – I guess life and time will see

Rough week

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It has been one hell of a week this week with agency meetings; interviews; social blurb and everything else only now catching up with myself coming back to be honest.  However it now means today the one day I get to rest I feel Rough – I would like to say it is a hangover from the wine drinking with friends last night but no I think a full blown cold and possible chest infection is on the way – purely because I feel like I have been battered about on a horrendous sea and the shakes are there ; my chest feels tight and wheezy despite having taken my preventive so it is a day of my body saying YOU WILL TAKE IT EASY AND Rest.  Not somehting I do well or find all that easy to do in all honesty

It looks like next week is going to be potentially just as hectic and busy too- but with some slightly more positive results  here is hoping anyway

So week in a nutshell was out seeing agents on Monday; Tuesday was interview with LSE which I had hoped to hear back from on Friday – however I suspect since I did not that I did not get the role but it would be nice to have that confirmation without the need to go chasing which will what be happening on Monday morning- woo hoo.  Tuesday my partner and I also went looking and talking to people about wedding lists and this was sorted with a good winner at House of Fraser – woo hoo.  Wednesday was sign on day and dealing with very silly people.  Thursday was a meet and greet with agents again along with a double interview with one of them too.  Friday ended up being another meet and greet for interview possibility which is now not likely to happen until two weeks time – but the second agent who was there was so rude – I am not sure if I want to work with them anyway based on their performance and ridiculous questions they asked me.

Yesterday was a meet friends in town for a catch up and an attempt to purchase a dress for my partners brothers wedding – I hate dress shopping as I am two sizes different between my top and my waist which caused chaos in the changing rooms as I get a dress stuck and could not budge and had to get my friend to come help me get it off.  Naturally this caused much hilarity and relief that I was nto going to have to buy it and walk around with my hands in the air.  We also met up with another one of my firends for lunch to talk about wedding options; protocol and hen weekends which are now safely in the hands of my bridesmaids.  Yesterday evening was time out with friends at their place.  Unfortunatly nerves got the better of me and I want into overdrive so just now feeling doubly crap and arrrrGGGGGH annoyed with myself.  Just grateful I have a very understanding partner who gets how my shyness and nerves can effect me so

Right enough of my waffles off to have my porridge and tea and then curl up with a good book and rest me thinks – long overdue and all that this week.  Enjoy the rest of your weekend and valentines day on Monday until later